A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in,
“I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said,
“Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello, George. What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
“That’s so sad. I think I’ll say a special prayer for them.”
The ophthalmologist added, “Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there’s anything I can do for them.”
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill
“What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
“Why are you crying?” Bob asked.
“I came here for a blood test,” sobbed Bill.
“So? Are you afraid?”
“No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, “Why are you crying now?”
To which Bob replied, “I came for a urine test!”
A pretty blonde wife one day decided that shes’ sick and tired of all these blonde jokes about all blondes being stupid. So, she planned to show her husband that she is not only pretty but also smart.
The next day, right after her husband left for work, she embarked on a project of painting a couple of rooms in the house.
Her husband then came home later in the afternoon and smelled the distinctive odor of paint. He walked into the living room and saw the half painted walls and all the mess around and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He went over and asked her if she’s okay.
She replied, “yes”, with one eye opened and a half smile.
He then asked her what she was doing.
She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asked her why she had a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was just following the instructions on the paint can.
Her husband, baffled… took the empty can of paint and read the directions at the back of the can.
It said: “For best results, put on two coats”.
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.” I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
“I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
During a bank heist the Chief told the Sgt. to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the Sgt. reports to the chief. “Sorry sir but they got away.”
The chief very disappointed says, “I told you to cover all Exits.”
“I did” replied the Sgt. but they got away through the Entrance”
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
“No way, buddy, you’re too drunk.”
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, “Give me a drink,” and the bartender says, “No, man, I told you last time — you’re too drunk”
Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”
The drunk scratches his head and says “Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing.”
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